It’s been a L.O.N.G time

Gosh.. it’s been around 3 years ago since the last time I post a decent blog post here! (latest ones were just some linked posts from Path, so, no, those aren’t the decent ones).

How I miss blogging.. How I’ve wasted all those years, all those journeys & trips and not sharing them here!? Aaaaarghh..  OK, time to put it all here. Even though all those adventures are in the past, but I can still remember every detail of it. I will start to posts stories from my trips here, with the photos I’ve taken from all of those places.

Besides, my dream is to be able to do what I love (which is TRAVELING of course!), and can make a living out of it. And yet, now I’m still not doing what I love, that’s why I’m thinking of changing my job right now! Radical much? Well..  I have tasted the experience to be able to buy expensive stuff that I would never thought I’d be able to, and I have reached a level which I am confident enough that not many of my friends have accomplished in career, but… I’m not happy. I don’t feel the happiness from those money, those expensive things I’ve bought, or by having this job title on one of my country’s biggest IT company. I’d rather making small money but I’m doing what I really love, and have my own personal life going on rather than spending a whole 8-9hours a day sitting and working on my laptop doing work work work and work (even sometimes still thinking about it even when I’m not at work anymore, & I just hate it), and the rest of the day you’re just wishing there’s still more hours left for me to enjoy (or more energy left to be precise), but no, it’s already dark, it’s already past dinner time, and I’m too tired already to do other things, another whole day just went past through work, and the next thing I know, months & years passed by and for what? Just to feel fed up doing all the work and asking my self “what’s the point..?”. Hmm come to think of it, I actually love my previous job better, because I get to travel to different places, even though I was working but I’m traveling and I really enjoyed it. Well.. too bad the way things were on my previous job just.. sucked (talk about horrible bosses, haha)

Anyway.. I’ll be posting soon about my trip around Europe, my work trips, and many other places which I have found exciting! (Want a sneak peek of the places I’ve been? check my instagram feeds Instagram @shiroi_ayu   or search hashtag of #AyuTravelledHere  )

Wow.. I can’t believe I have made you read all those whining & complaining I made up there about my work and still continue to read on until now, I am deeply grateful for you to spend your time reading this thought. Until my next travel blog post!

Ohisashiburi!

Hey blog! what’s up! God it’s been ages since the last time I posted an actual blog post here.. A lot has happened in my life since then, it has been a roller-coaster ride this year. Filled with many answered prayers, surprises, even I got pushed to my limits where I thought I couldn’t make it, but hey, I’m still here now!

You do know that I’ve been loving animals since I can remember, right? Like, how I always carry around small amount of cat-food in my bag, just in case I meet with a hungry stray cats anywhere I go, so I can feed them on the street, etc. Well, I get to finally truly fulfilling one of my dream to become a volunteer on animal saving, I mean not just become the permanent donors for the WWF or any other animal protection programmes or organizations, but I can finally involved in action, saving stray animals when heavy floods hit jakarta around 6 months ago. I get the experience where I have to sweep the flooded area, the water’s height was on my chest, walking through inside narrow houses, very dark halls, to save several cats or dogs trapped anywhere we can find. I can’t really do it again now, because I’m busy with my work. But still, all those experience i had when I was actively volunteering in animal rescue with me fellows in Animal Defenders Indonesia, are unforgettable, and it was a “living in a dream” kind of memory, I was truly blessed to get my prayer answered for that one. RIght now I can only pay a visit sometimes on the weekend to their shelter, and play and feed them while I’m there. I wish I can do that rescuing thing again someday.

So, after I asked God to give me a chance to be a real animal rescuer, I have another prayer or dream come true. I asked God if I ever get a chance to taste to work where I get to travel around places I’ve never been to, with flexible time, in a foreign company, or even maybe get a job outside of Indonesia. Because honestly, I was really not enjoying the current job at that time. Then, not long after asked that to God, I received an sms from a guy I never heard of, asking me if I was interested to come for an interview, and I was like, “whoa.. is this for real? this is a foreigner, right? this should be good..” But still I need to be sure if both this guy and his company are ‘real’. Then, a couple of months later, voila… I’m doing the job that I was asking from God. I have a pretty flexible time to work, I’m working for 2 cool foreigners, in a company that I think has awesome portfolio, although it’s still small, but even now I’m still amazed how this company has gotten it’s accomplishments, also I get to travel to different places most of the time! I’m not anymore the dull IT girl (or maybe I’m still a bit dull now, dunno, not sure, I shouldn’t be the one who judge that, haha). Although I must say, in a short amount I worked for this company, I have never worked this busy or intense or pushed to the limit like this before. I can feel i’ve grown soooo much in a short period of time since I joined here, which is great, because I need this, I need this roller-coaster ride, I need these pushes, otherwise I wouldn’t realize that I’m actually a very good reliable person, and I do feel proud of this, I am sure that this is my value, and I will not stop to keep leveling myself up. (leveling, if you’re a gamer, you understand what I mean, haha)

So, anyway, I just wanna thank God for everything, for every blessings and every tests that are sent to me, I am growing, and I am looking forward to have another “leveling up” pushed against my face, because I have God.

Be blessed, and be a blessing!

Oh yeah, one more thing, I had a funny ‘broken heart’ moment sometime ago, but it turned out a good thing for me where I can grow into a not-too-jealous person (have I really? I hope so, hahaha). & hopefully I can be fully recovered from any bad memories from the past which can draw me back into a….’state’, that I hate to be in again *if you know what I mean* So I’m just gonna let everything flow naturally, enjoy every moment, enjoy my life, both the excitements or the stresses, because that’s the beauty of being alive, right? you get to feel all those emotions… rather than just be in a same frequency all the time, happy all the time, without any struggles or peak moments, that’ll be a dull life, haha..

So, cheers for any upcoming roller-coaster ride of our lives!  😀

 

When most people..

Diary – 14/11/2013

When most people struggle everyday with their deadlines, traffic jams, endless housework, unfriendly people, just to survive another day, still end the day with another hope for tomorrow. As for me, I struggle to deal my own jealousy & paranoia. Even until this moment I write this, I can still suddenly feel ‘numb’ over something that I was so afraid of to becoming true, although the reality is actually far from that. Even though I’m able to write this (that means I’m aware that it really was far away from the reality) still, I get this choking nerves, panic and horrified by all those illusion or imagination I’ve made in my head (which I claimed this a couple years ago as an attitude of ‘always being prepared for the worst’).

Even yesterday when I wrote something out of my head, to help me release these…… circling conversations & arguments in my head, I then became ‘numb’ and all the appetite to write just poof! Gone! All those pressure, of stressing about something that was never get to talked about, never get to think the solution for it, never get to finally find a direction rather than just circling around, suddenly just gone away, without any answer, without even a single desire for me to rethink it again at the moment, really does feel like drowning, lost.

It’s like you’re in a deep dense forest, wanting to find a group of endangered koalas that you need to rescue, but you keep on arguing with your fellow rescuer about which way should you go or which tracks or clue should you follow, and none of you ‘help’ each other, but then suddenly a helicopter lift you both and take you somewhere else apart, which you don’t meet your fellow rescuer or need each other again, so the arguing is over, you do some other things. Then let’s say 2 days after that, you got lift up by a helicopter again, and placed at the same spot at the forest, meeting with that same fellow rescuer, and you still have a task at hand to rescue that group of koala. Still at the same spot, same condition, no progress, same stressful circling arguments, and those koalas still not saved yet. Get the picture?

Me & my fellow rescuer, they’re both in me, two or more different sides of minds or thoughts or ideas. Those circling arguments, the attitude they have to each other, is the way my mind thinks & talks & works in my head these days. And the group of koalas, it’s my…. Goal, my ‘inner peace’ (as in Kungfu Panda), my dream of when I finally can get myself into harmony again, no more self-arguing inside my head, no more me being silent and got drown in my own mind without any solution.

So… what exactly am I arguing about? Everything

Should I find another job as programmer or find something else? Should I stay at my independent-flat or back to home with mom? Should I really just let my boyfriend being close with lots of other women or should I keep worrying that he would ‘play with deep feelings’ one day? Should I make a hot tea or a nutrisari? Should I go read a book at that park or on some café around the mall? Should I go fix that shoes or should I cook an omelete? Should I watch this movie, or that movie? Each one of them have their own ‘ways’ to argue about one another. At the end, I often choose none of them, and do nothing. NOTHING

All those simple questions, can REALLY stressing me out. I can’t decide. It’s like I don’t want to suffer any disadvantage of the choice I don’t choose. It’s like if I choose making a hot tea, I don’t want to ‘lose’ the ‘joy’ if I make nutrisari, but I’ll answer it the same if I choose otherwise. Same like the arguing I have for the thought of my boyfriend, if I let him being close with any other girl he wants, I don’t want that coz I feel like he should be just being close with me, but then if I choose to keep worrying he would ‘play with deep feelings’ by giving him restrictions and stuff, I don’t want that coz I know I’ll lose him by treating him that way. For all other people, all of these arguments seems simple, seems obvious, seems very clear to answer & choose, or even too silly to be arguing about. But I can’t help it. Why is that?

This is not me. At least I know I shouldn’t. But why?

See…? even I can’t finish That argument. Wait up. I think I need to catch a breath.

It was only some months ago…

Diary – 13/11/2013

It was only some months ago until I finally realized that I have this disorder, although it was all from my own assumptions after looking around for information (thank you internet!) about these attitude, symptoms, or behavior which I’ve been pointlessly wondering “there’s something wrong about me, I mean, normal people won’t think or behave like this, right?”
It was a blur. And it’s still feels a blur now, as I write this. Since a year ago, or more, I can’t really feel myself again. “myself” in meaning “the version of me which I should be, which I already have years ago as a fully-confident woman, a cheerful girl, a career pursuing model for my friends, who really knows what she wants and what she needs, that determined girl”. Sadly, I miss that person. I miss myself.
Now, for me everything seems just like a blur, pointless life to live. I’ve quit my job, because I think I can’t concentrate anymore, or maybe that was just me reasoning that I actually prefer to sleep & do nothing. If I recall myself around 3 years ago, I will never decide to quit a job where I don’t have anywhere else to work with better salary & future. But now? I don’t care. I just feel like I want to have time for myself. Yes, myself, which I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, anytime I want, without have to struggle for the 5 days of work before I can do that. Suddenly money is not something that I would be very concerning about.
Sometimes I still wonder if that was a right decision. Was that me being manic, who decided that I should quit my job so I can do things I was positively sure I can make money from (I started a small internet marketing project, but it didn’t work out). Or, was that me being depressed, who decided that I can’t take another pressure of facing unfriendly coworkers and working environments and finally said to myself, “screw them! I don’t need them” (it was a job which some my friends would say as a ‘dream job’. Ha..too much for that.)
Some weeks ago I attended a gathering for people who have bipolar disorder, I went there with my mom & my boyfriend (at that time, he was my ex boyfriend. Yeah, we had many break-ups & make-ups). It was a knowledge-widening experience, also a realization moment for me, that I should stop rejecting this condition I ‘suffer’. Instead of referring it as a ‘suffering’, I learned to change it to a ‘having’ condition, that I accept this condition, and it’s not something that I should be suffering about.
The word ‘suffer’ is more likely suitable for the people who had been around me since the last 4 years. They’re the ones who had to face me, shed thousands of tears, spent tiring moments with hurt & sadness, dealing with me. But still, they’re still here, beside me, or just around the corner, always ready to hug me, nurture me, shake me again to wake me up, and.
And suddenly I don’t feel like I want to continue this. Because something is distracting me, into a bad mood. Later.

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