Days have passed..

Diary – 29/11/2013

Days have passed, & I just wanna say “Thank You, Lord”. I’m sorry for being a terrible person days ago.. I was drowned in negative thoughts & perspective, I couldn’t see any good in my life that moment, all I can think of was my own anger about my disappointments. Oh God.. how I really wish I can make my dream come true… despite all the facts that I made him irritated & hurt, but I really….. so much…. I may looked like I don’t love him, based on the true definition of love itself, but I really really…..
>_<
Oh God… Give me strength……
Today, my neighbor, my best friend, the one who’s been take a really good care of me since I’m moving out from home, the one who became my sister in my heart, will took off to Holland to visit her fiancee’s family for the next 3 months. I felt another “lost”. It feels like people are leaving me one by one, & I always the one who got left behind…
That’s selfish. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should open my eyes. They didn’t leave me. My ex-boyfriend leave me as a boyfriend, but he’s still there as my friend, & I…. I won’t give up, I’ll prove it to you that I can be better, & please God help me….
And she didn’t leave me, it’s just a “see you later”. She may be gone for 3 months, and after that she’ll soon get married and she’ll move to Holland. Okay, maybe sad for me, but she is so happy. I feel so overwhelmed by the magic of their love.. they didn’t take too long, and everything seems to be in God’s blessings. Almost every plan they have, gone smoothly. Finally she found someone who can really make her happy, after all these years she’s been waiting for the wrong guy who only giving empty promises and never even show up. I’m so happy for her… you deserve it, sis… go get your love, cherish it, coz I’m sure this is what God has planned for you.
I’ll be moving back home next week, so I only have a little more time to pack everything here. Sometimes I still cry alone, in silent, but not anymore out of my control. Everytime I got down on tears again, everytime I miss my ex-boyfriend, how I still remember every beautiful moments we had together, even now, I’m trying to hold it as hard as I could, God help me….. Help me stay strong… I wanna show him that I can be better… and who knows, by God’s blessing, he would take me back….
Thank you for the strength I still have today.. Thank you for all the things you’ve given me… Thank you for giving me strength to feel joy again, to smile again, to help me block all those negative thoughts & sadness behind. I wanna be cheerful again, I wanna be myself again who unconsciously has made him fall in love with me, coz that’s what I need right now, to be the strong me again, to be the cheerful me again, to be me again without being depressed or confused & drown in bipolar, to be the fearless me again….
I’m sure, I’m on my way there…..

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Today went by pretty quick

Diary – 18/11/2013

Today went by pretty quick. Compared to yesterday, today is a pretty ‘light’ day. Low pressure on thoughts, no stunned-scary feelings about my boyfriend might do anything ‘hurtful’ to me (which only happen in my imagination *sigh*). I’m pretty stable today. I got amazed how my little nephew can learn some Japanese vocabulary very fast, he can memorize 20 different words, such as eat, drink, sleep, airplane, train, etc. Arya is smart, I’m so proud of you! & tonight his father just came by to pick him up, so they can go home together. I suddenly feel a loss, a little sad feeling that Arya left. How he has always been cheerful around me & his grandma, how he never cry or complain about anything when we’re around, it was really nice seeing him in relax and no-pressure mode when he’s around me & his grandma. Not like when we see him when he’s around his sisters, he seemed more stressful, got too much pressure to handle, especially when he only got little attention from his parents. I don’t blame the parents, but sometimes, when I see them, I still think that they treated their children unevenly, & I often caught Arya cried alone in silent, but still tries to hide it from me, or from grandma & grandpa. Arya, you truly are a big brother. Although you’re still a little guy, but you know how to stay strong and often let your sisters ‘win’ on almost everything. That’s why you’ll always be my favorite little man I’ve ever known.

And somehow… something just knock me in the head now (don’t worry, it’s a metaphor). Seeing Arya that is always being cheerful around, never complains, & just enjoy the moment, making me favorites Arya. Now I realize how my boyfriend would feel about me. Seeing someone that was always in constant tears, fears, or complains, is not something that you would enjoy to be together with, not for a long time, or not even for a moment. I mean, who would stand that? Now I understand. Thank you, Arya.. Thank you, ya-kun.. Thank you, Mom..

Oh yeah, I have 1 hell of a mom. She takes a really good care of me & Arya. I was so helpless that I ended up like a helpless little child again, I’m so ashamed of myself. I really hope I can have an income again soon, and be working again, so I won’t be this helpless child again. Enough for her to raised me all my life, it’s time for me to take a good care of her. Thank you, Mom..

Thank you, Father… for allowing to be in this world through an awesome mother like her. Thank you.

Yesterday I went to a national theme park..

Diary – 17/11/2013

Yesterday I went to a national theme park with my mom and my little nephew, Arya, he’s my brother’s oldest son. We had a really great time, exploring to three museums, museum of transportation, museum of national soldiers, & museum of science & technology. But after we got home, I catch severe cold and keep throwing out until my whole stomach empty, and it doesn’t stop there. I guess it’s been years since the last time I experienced the worst nausea & non-stop puking like that. Phew.. it’s tiring.

And now, I just tried to make a ‘quality’ conversation with my boyfriend. But even that, turned out that lots of my messages got lost in the connection, and he didn’t get them. Why is it so hard for me to try to connect with him. I’m trying to be friend with him. But even that, it’s like I don’t have the blessing to do that. Why me? If we’re not meant to be, then why ……

Why is it so hard… even when I try, it always looked like I’m pushing it. & if I’m not pushing it, there won’t be any conversation at all. Or is it really no interest to have a conversation at all? So, I should just let it go? No conversation, no connection, so I’ll just have to wait all the time?

even me with all the sadness I can feel, it’s all my own fault. It’s my fault that I choose to be sad. It’s my fault that I spent the whole night crying why can’t I just let it go? It’s my own fault that I ‘choose’ to feel this way. Well I’m sorry I don’t have a steel-made of heart. I cry when I feel like I’m crying. Then just leave me alone! Like you said, it’s my own fault, right?? It’s my own fault to behave like this. It’s my own fault to make you feel irritated by me. It’s my own fault to make our relationship gone waste. It’s all my fault. And you have no fault. Coz you’re always doing the right thing, think the good things, decide the good decisions, surround yourself with good people for your life. And I just made your life miserable, yes? You feel like you’ve been pushed around by me, right? I’m the bad guy, right? I’m the one who hurt your precious friends, right? I’m the one who ruined your life, isn’t that how you feel?

I never asked to be in this position, I never asked God to sent me a lying man who said that he’ll love me forever but instead he punched & kicked me, while I was pregnant, I never asked God for disappointments in life! I never asked God to set me in this deep hole of depression that I can never getting out! I never asked God to send me another person who I always need to beg for…. I never asked God to

I’m tired… what’s the point of all this…

Why can’t I forgive them , Father? Why can’t I let them go? Why can’t I just let them all go? Why can’t I be happy to see them all happy, even though they’re not with me? Why am I this greedy? Why are you making me this way? Why can’t I feel love? the love which my boyfriend say as ‘universal love’, the love that You say in your bible, the love that people are sharing. Why can’t I feel that, father? Why can’t I stop crying, father? Where are you… why didn’t you answer me, father? I’m lost…. I need you….

When most people..

Diary – 14/11/2013

When most people struggle everyday with their deadlines, traffic jams, endless housework, unfriendly people, just to survive another day, still end the day with another hope for tomorrow. As for me, I struggle to deal my own jealousy & paranoia. Even until this moment I write this, I can still suddenly feel ‘numb’ over something that I was so afraid of to becoming true, although the reality is actually far from that. Even though I’m able to write this (that means I’m aware that it really was far away from the reality) still, I get this choking nerves, panic and horrified by all those illusion or imagination I’ve made in my head (which I claimed this a couple years ago as an attitude of ‘always being prepared for the worst’).

Even yesterday when I wrote something out of my head, to help me release these…… circling conversations & arguments in my head, I then became ‘numb’ and all the appetite to write just poof! Gone! All those pressure, of stressing about something that was never get to talked about, never get to think the solution for it, never get to finally find a direction rather than just circling around, suddenly just gone away, without any answer, without even a single desire for me to rethink it again at the moment, really does feel like drowning, lost.

It’s like you’re in a deep dense forest, wanting to find a group of endangered koalas that you need to rescue, but you keep on arguing with your fellow rescuer about which way should you go or which tracks or clue should you follow, and none of you ‘help’ each other, but then suddenly a helicopter lift you both and take you somewhere else apart, which you don’t meet your fellow rescuer or need each other again, so the arguing is over, you do some other things. Then let’s say 2 days after that, you got lift up by a helicopter again, and placed at the same spot at the forest, meeting with that same fellow rescuer, and you still have a task at hand to rescue that group of koala. Still at the same spot, same condition, no progress, same stressful circling arguments, and those koalas still not saved yet. Get the picture?

Me & my fellow rescuer, they’re both in me, two or more different sides of minds or thoughts or ideas. Those circling arguments, the attitude they have to each other, is the way my mind thinks & talks & works in my head these days. And the group of koalas, it’s my…. Goal, my ‘inner peace’ (as in Kungfu Panda), my dream of when I finally can get myself into harmony again, no more self-arguing inside my head, no more me being silent and got drown in my own mind without any solution.

So… what exactly am I arguing about? Everything

Should I find another job as programmer or find something else? Should I stay at my independent-flat or back to home with mom? Should I really just let my boyfriend being close with lots of other women or should I keep worrying that he would ‘play with deep feelings’ one day? Should I make a hot tea or a nutrisari? Should I go read a book at that park or on some café around the mall? Should I go fix that shoes or should I cook an omelete? Should I watch this movie, or that movie? Each one of them have their own ‘ways’ to argue about one another. At the end, I often choose none of them, and do nothing. NOTHING

All those simple questions, can REALLY stressing me out. I can’t decide. It’s like I don’t want to suffer any disadvantage of the choice I don’t choose. It’s like if I choose making a hot tea, I don’t want to ‘lose’ the ‘joy’ if I make nutrisari, but I’ll answer it the same if I choose otherwise. Same like the arguing I have for the thought of my boyfriend, if I let him being close with any other girl he wants, I don’t want that coz I feel like he should be just being close with me, but then if I choose to keep worrying he would ‘play with deep feelings’ by giving him restrictions and stuff, I don’t want that coz I know I’ll lose him by treating him that way. For all other people, all of these arguments seems simple, seems obvious, seems very clear to answer & choose, or even too silly to be arguing about. But I can’t help it. Why is that?

This is not me. At least I know I shouldn’t. But why?

See…? even I can’t finish That argument. Wait up. I think I need to catch a breath.

It was only some months ago…

Diary – 13/11/2013

It was only some months ago until I finally realized that I have this disorder, although it was all from my own assumptions after looking around for information (thank you internet!) about these attitude, symptoms, or behavior which I’ve been pointlessly wondering “there’s something wrong about me, I mean, normal people won’t think or behave like this, right?”
It was a blur. And it’s still feels a blur now, as I write this. Since a year ago, or more, I can’t really feel myself again. “myself” in meaning “the version of me which I should be, which I already have years ago as a fully-confident woman, a cheerful girl, a career pursuing model for my friends, who really knows what she wants and what she needs, that determined girl”. Sadly, I miss that person. I miss myself.
Now, for me everything seems just like a blur, pointless life to live. I’ve quit my job, because I think I can’t concentrate anymore, or maybe that was just me reasoning that I actually prefer to sleep & do nothing. If I recall myself around 3 years ago, I will never decide to quit a job where I don’t have anywhere else to work with better salary & future. But now? I don’t care. I just feel like I want to have time for myself. Yes, myself, which I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, anytime I want, without have to struggle for the 5 days of work before I can do that. Suddenly money is not something that I would be very concerning about.
Sometimes I still wonder if that was a right decision. Was that me being manic, who decided that I should quit my job so I can do things I was positively sure I can make money from (I started a small internet marketing project, but it didn’t work out). Or, was that me being depressed, who decided that I can’t take another pressure of facing unfriendly coworkers and working environments and finally said to myself, “screw them! I don’t need them” (it was a job which some my friends would say as a ‘dream job’. Ha..too much for that.)
Some weeks ago I attended a gathering for people who have bipolar disorder, I went there with my mom & my boyfriend (at that time, he was my ex boyfriend. Yeah, we had many break-ups & make-ups). It was a knowledge-widening experience, also a realization moment for me, that I should stop rejecting this condition I ‘suffer’. Instead of referring it as a ‘suffering’, I learned to change it to a ‘having’ condition, that I accept this condition, and it’s not something that I should be suffering about.
The word ‘suffer’ is more likely suitable for the people who had been around me since the last 4 years. They’re the ones who had to face me, shed thousands of tears, spent tiring moments with hurt & sadness, dealing with me. But still, they’re still here, beside me, or just around the corner, always ready to hug me, nurture me, shake me again to wake me up, and.
And suddenly I don’t feel like I want to continue this. Because something is distracting me, into a bad mood. Later.

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