It’s been a L.O.N.G time

Gosh.. it’s been around 3 years ago since the last time I post a decent blog post here! (latest ones were just some linked posts from Path, so, no, those aren’t the decent ones).

How I miss blogging.. How I’ve wasted all those years, all those journeys & trips and not sharing them here!? Aaaaarghh..  OK, time to put it all here. Even though all those adventures are in the past, but I can still remember every detail of it. I will start to posts stories from my trips here, with the photos I’ve taken from all of those places.

Besides, my dream is to be able to do what I love (which is TRAVELING of course!), and can make a living out of it. And yet, now I’m still not doing what I love, that’s why I’m thinking of changing my job right now! Radical much? Well..  I have tasted the experience to be able to buy expensive stuff that I would never thought I’d be able to, and I have reached a level which I am confident enough that not many of my friends have accomplished in career, but… I’m not happy. I don’t feel the happiness from those money, those expensive things I’ve bought, or by having this job title on one of my country’s biggest IT company. I’d rather making small money but I’m doing what I really love, and have my own personal life going on rather than spending a whole 8-9hours a day sitting and working on my laptop doing work work work and work (even sometimes still thinking about it even when I’m not at work anymore, & I just hate it), and the rest of the day you’re just wishing there’s still more hours left for me to enjoy (or more energy left to be precise), but no, it’s already dark, it’s already past dinner time, and I’m too tired already to do other things, another whole day just went past through work, and the next thing I know, months & years passed by and for what? Just to feel fed up doing all the work and asking my self “what’s the point..?”. Hmm come to think of it, I actually love my previous job better, because I get to travel to different places, even though I was working but I’m traveling and I really enjoyed it. Well.. too bad the way things were on my previous job just.. sucked (talk about horrible bosses, haha)

Anyway.. I’ll be posting soon about my trip around Europe, my work trips, and many other places which I have found exciting! (Want a sneak peek of the places I’ve been? check my instagram feeds Instagram @shiroi_ayu   or search hashtag of #AyuTravelledHere  )

Wow.. I can’t believe I have made you read all those whining & complaining I made up there about my work and still continue to read on until now, I am deeply grateful for you to spend your time reading this thought. Until my next travel blog post!



Hey blog! what’s up! God it’s been ages since the last time I posted an actual blog post here.. A lot has happened in my life since then, it has been a roller-coaster ride this year. Filled with many answered prayers, surprises, even I got pushed to my limits where I thought I couldn’t make it, but hey, I’m still here now!

You do know that I’ve been loving animals since I can remember, right? Like, how I always carry around small amount of cat-food in my bag, just in case I meet with a hungry stray cats anywhere I go, so I can feed them on the street, etc. Well, I get to finally truly fulfilling one of my dream to become a volunteer on animal saving, I mean not just become the permanent donors for the WWF or any other animal protection programmes or organizations, but I can finally involved in action, saving stray animals when heavy floods hit jakarta around 6 months ago. I get the experience where I have to sweep the flooded area, the water’s height was on my chest, walking through inside narrow houses, very dark halls, to save several cats or dogs trapped anywhere we can find. I can’t really do it again now, because I’m busy with my work. But still, all those experience i had when I was actively volunteering in animal rescue with me fellows in Animal Defenders Indonesia, are unforgettable, and it was a “living in a dream” kind of memory, I was truly blessed to get my prayer answered for that one. RIght now I can only pay a visit sometimes on the weekend to their shelter, and play and feed them while I’m there. I wish I can do that rescuing thing again someday.

So, after I asked God to give me a chance to be a real animal rescuer, I have another prayer or dream come true. I asked God if I ever get a chance to taste to work where I get to travel around places I’ve never been to, with flexible time, in a foreign company, or even maybe get a job outside of Indonesia. Because honestly, I was really not enjoying the current job at that time. Then, not long after asked that to God, I received an sms from a guy I never heard of, asking me if I was interested to come for an interview, and I was like, “whoa.. is this for real? this is a foreigner, right? this should be good..” But still I need to be sure if both this guy and his company are ‘real’. Then, a couple of months later, voila… I’m doing the job that I was asking from God. I have a pretty flexible time to work, I’m working for 2 cool foreigners, in a company that I think has awesome portfolio, although it’s still small, but even now I’m still amazed how this company has gotten it’s accomplishments, also I get to travel to different places most of the time! I’m not anymore the dull IT girl (or maybe I’m still a bit dull now, dunno, not sure, I shouldn’t be the one who judge that, haha). Although I must say, in a short amount I worked for this company, I have never worked this busy or intense or pushed to the limit like this before. I can feel i’ve grown soooo much in a short period of time since I joined here, which is great, because I need this, I need this roller-coaster ride, I need these pushes, otherwise I wouldn’t realize that I’m actually a very good reliable person, and I do feel proud of this, I am sure that this is my value, and I will not stop to keep leveling myself up. (leveling, if you’re a gamer, you understand what I mean, haha)

So, anyway, I just wanna thank God for everything, for every blessings and every tests that are sent to me, I am growing, and I am looking forward to have another “leveling up” pushed against my face, because I have God.

Be blessed, and be a blessing!

Oh yeah, one more thing, I had a funny ‘broken heart’ moment sometime ago, but it turned out a good thing for me where I can grow into a not-too-jealous person (have I really? I hope so, hahaha). & hopefully I can be fully recovered from any bad memories from the past which can draw me back into a….’state’, that I hate to be in again *if you know what I mean* So I’m just gonna let everything flow naturally, enjoy every moment, enjoy my life, both the excitements or the stresses, because that’s the beauty of being alive, right? you get to feel all those emotions… rather than just be in a same frequency all the time, happy all the time, without any struggles or peak moments, that’ll be a dull life, haha..

So, cheers for any upcoming roller-coaster ride of our lives!  😀


When I finally allowed to put up my Christmas tree at home

My 2nd #Christmas … Now it’s glowing in my room,at home..

View on Path


Days have passed..

Diary – 29/11/2013

Days have passed, & I just wanna say “Thank You, Lord”. I’m sorry for being a terrible person days ago.. I was drowned in negative thoughts & perspective, I couldn’t see any good in my life that moment, all I can think of was my own anger about my disappointments. Oh God.. how I really wish I can make my dream come true… despite all the facts that I made him irritated & hurt, but I really….. so much…. I may looked like I don’t love him, based on the true definition of love itself, but I really really…..
Oh God… Give me strength……
Today, my neighbor, my best friend, the one who’s been take a really good care of me since I’m moving out from home, the one who became my sister in my heart, will took off to Holland to visit her fiancee’s family for the next 3 months. I felt another “lost”. It feels like people are leaving me one by one, & I always the one who got left behind…
That’s selfish. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should open my eyes. They didn’t leave me. My ex-boyfriend leave me as a boyfriend, but he’s still there as my friend, & I…. I won’t give up, I’ll prove it to you that I can be better, & please God help me….
And she didn’t leave me, it’s just a “see you later”. She may be gone for 3 months, and after that she’ll soon get married and she’ll move to Holland. Okay, maybe sad for me, but she is so happy. I feel so overwhelmed by the magic of their love.. they didn’t take too long, and everything seems to be in God’s blessings. Almost every plan they have, gone smoothly. Finally she found someone who can really make her happy, after all these years she’s been waiting for the wrong guy who only giving empty promises and never even show up. I’m so happy for her… you deserve it, sis… go get your love, cherish it, coz I’m sure this is what God has planned for you.
I’ll be moving back home next week, so I only have a little more time to pack everything here. Sometimes I still cry alone, in silent, but not anymore out of my control. Everytime I got down on tears again, everytime I miss my ex-boyfriend, how I still remember every beautiful moments we had together, even now, I’m trying to hold it as hard as I could, God help me….. Help me stay strong… I wanna show him that I can be better… and who knows, by God’s blessing, he would take me back….
Thank you for the strength I still have today.. Thank you for all the things you’ve given me… Thank you for giving me strength to feel joy again, to smile again, to help me block all those negative thoughts & sadness behind. I wanna be cheerful again, I wanna be myself again who unconsciously has made him fall in love with me, coz that’s what I need right now, to be the strong me again, to be the cheerful me again, to be me again without being depressed or confused & drown in bipolar, to be the fearless me again….
I’m sure, I’m on my way there…..

I’ve messed everything up..

I’ve messed everything up… it’s all my fault… my boyfriend, my parents, his family, I’ve hurt everyone….

I hope it’s not too late….

Regret always comes late..

Diary – 21/11/2013

Regret always comes late.. I learned that tonight, again.. I have no one else to blame but myself. Realizing how tired & hurt my boyfriend has become, I’m cursing myself for being such an ignorant paranoid fool. He’s right, we’re incompatible.. we keep on circling the same cycle everytime we make up again. I should let him go,and I’m sure that’s what he’s so sure about now.
But when we meet again, we can’t deny our feelings… Oh God.. help us both to face what lies in the future..
He made me promise him,that no matter how hard I’ll fall, I will always have to rise again, get up again, if I fall again, get up again, Never give up.
God.. help me to keep this promise.
God.. help me to be alive.. and enjoy all Your gifts.. and be the cheerful me again..
God.. help me to kill away all the terrible imaginations, all the voices in my head to drown me in negative thoughts again..
Help me, Lord…
Help us both…

Today went by pretty quick

Diary – 18/11/2013

Today went by pretty quick. Compared to yesterday, today is a pretty ‘light’ day. Low pressure on thoughts, no stunned-scary feelings about my boyfriend might do anything ‘hurtful’ to me (which only happen in my imagination *sigh*). I’m pretty stable today. I got amazed how my little nephew can learn some Japanese vocabulary very fast, he can memorize 20 different words, such as eat, drink, sleep, airplane, train, etc. Arya is smart, I’m so proud of you! & tonight his father just came by to pick him up, so they can go home together. I suddenly feel a loss, a little sad feeling that Arya left. How he has always been cheerful around me & his grandma, how he never cry or complain about anything when we’re around, it was really nice seeing him in relax and no-pressure mode when he’s around me & his grandma. Not like when we see him when he’s around his sisters, he seemed more stressful, got too much pressure to handle, especially when he only got little attention from his parents. I don’t blame the parents, but sometimes, when I see them, I still think that they treated their children unevenly, & I often caught Arya cried alone in silent, but still tries to hide it from me, or from grandma & grandpa. Arya, you truly are a big brother. Although you’re still a little guy, but you know how to stay strong and often let your sisters ‘win’ on almost everything. That’s why you’ll always be my favorite little man I’ve ever known.

And somehow… something just knock me in the head now (don’t worry, it’s a metaphor). Seeing Arya that is always being cheerful around, never complains, & just enjoy the moment, making me favorites Arya. Now I realize how my boyfriend would feel about me. Seeing someone that was always in constant tears, fears, or complains, is not something that you would enjoy to be together with, not for a long time, or not even for a moment. I mean, who would stand that? Now I understand. Thank you, Arya.. Thank you, ya-kun.. Thank you, Mom..

Oh yeah, I have 1 hell of a mom. She takes a really good care of me & Arya. I was so helpless that I ended up like a helpless little child again, I’m so ashamed of myself. I really hope I can have an income again soon, and be working again, so I won’t be this helpless child again. Enough for her to raised me all my life, it’s time for me to take a good care of her. Thank you, Mom..

Thank you, Father… for allowing to be in this world through an awesome mother like her. Thank you.

Yesterday I went to a national theme park..

Diary – 17/11/2013

Yesterday I went to a national theme park with my mom and my little nephew, Arya, he’s my brother’s oldest son. We had a really great time, exploring to three museums, museum of transportation, museum of national soldiers, & museum of science & technology. But after we got home, I catch severe cold and keep throwing out until my whole stomach empty, and it doesn’t stop there. I guess it’s been years since the last time I experienced the worst nausea & non-stop puking like that. Phew.. it’s tiring.

And now, I just tried to make a ‘quality’ conversation with my boyfriend. But even that, turned out that lots of my messages got lost in the connection, and he didn’t get them. Why is it so hard for me to try to connect with him. I’m trying to be friend with him. But even that, it’s like I don’t have the blessing to do that. Why me? If we’re not meant to be, then why ……

Why is it so hard… even when I try, it always looked like I’m pushing it. & if I’m not pushing it, there won’t be any conversation at all. Or is it really no interest to have a conversation at all? So, I should just let it go? No conversation, no connection, so I’ll just have to wait all the time?

even me with all the sadness I can feel, it’s all my own fault. It’s my fault that I choose to be sad. It’s my fault that I spent the whole night crying why can’t I just let it go? It’s my own fault that I ‘choose’ to feel this way. Well I’m sorry I don’t have a steel-made of heart. I cry when I feel like I’m crying. Then just leave me alone! Like you said, it’s my own fault, right?? It’s my own fault to behave like this. It’s my own fault to make you feel irritated by me. It’s my own fault to make our relationship gone waste. It’s all my fault. And you have no fault. Coz you’re always doing the right thing, think the good things, decide the good decisions, surround yourself with good people for your life. And I just made your life miserable, yes? You feel like you’ve been pushed around by me, right? I’m the bad guy, right? I’m the one who hurt your precious friends, right? I’m the one who ruined your life, isn’t that how you feel?

I never asked to be in this position, I never asked God to sent me a lying man who said that he’ll love me forever but instead he punched & kicked me, while I was pregnant, I never asked God for disappointments in life! I never asked God to set me in this deep hole of depression that I can never getting out! I never asked God to send me another person who I always need to beg for…. I never asked God to

I’m tired… what’s the point of all this…

Why can’t I forgive them , Father? Why can’t I let them go? Why can’t I just let them all go? Why can’t I be happy to see them all happy, even though they’re not with me? Why am I this greedy? Why are you making me this way? Why can’t I feel love? the love which my boyfriend say as ‘universal love’, the love that You say in your bible, the love that people are sharing. Why can’t I feel that, father? Why can’t I stop crying, father? Where are you… why didn’t you answer me, father? I’m lost…. I need you….

When most people..

Diary – 14/11/2013

When most people struggle everyday with their deadlines, traffic jams, endless housework, unfriendly people, just to survive another day, still end the day with another hope for tomorrow. As for me, I struggle to deal my own jealousy & paranoia. Even until this moment I write this, I can still suddenly feel ‘numb’ over something that I was so afraid of to becoming true, although the reality is actually far from that. Even though I’m able to write this (that means I’m aware that it really was far away from the reality) still, I get this choking nerves, panic and horrified by all those illusion or imagination I’ve made in my head (which I claimed this a couple years ago as an attitude of ‘always being prepared for the worst’).

Even yesterday when I wrote something out of my head, to help me release these…… circling conversations & arguments in my head, I then became ‘numb’ and all the appetite to write just poof! Gone! All those pressure, of stressing about something that was never get to talked about, never get to think the solution for it, never get to finally find a direction rather than just circling around, suddenly just gone away, without any answer, without even a single desire for me to rethink it again at the moment, really does feel like drowning, lost.

It’s like you’re in a deep dense forest, wanting to find a group of endangered koalas that you need to rescue, but you keep on arguing with your fellow rescuer about which way should you go or which tracks or clue should you follow, and none of you ‘help’ each other, but then suddenly a helicopter lift you both and take you somewhere else apart, which you don’t meet your fellow rescuer or need each other again, so the arguing is over, you do some other things. Then let’s say 2 days after that, you got lift up by a helicopter again, and placed at the same spot at the forest, meeting with that same fellow rescuer, and you still have a task at hand to rescue that group of koala. Still at the same spot, same condition, no progress, same stressful circling arguments, and those koalas still not saved yet. Get the picture?

Me & my fellow rescuer, they’re both in me, two or more different sides of minds or thoughts or ideas. Those circling arguments, the attitude they have to each other, is the way my mind thinks & talks & works in my head these days. And the group of koalas, it’s my…. Goal, my ‘inner peace’ (as in Kungfu Panda), my dream of when I finally can get myself into harmony again, no more self-arguing inside my head, no more me being silent and got drown in my own mind without any solution.

So… what exactly am I arguing about? Everything

Should I find another job as programmer or find something else? Should I stay at my independent-flat or back to home with mom? Should I really just let my boyfriend being close with lots of other women or should I keep worrying that he would ‘play with deep feelings’ one day? Should I make a hot tea or a nutrisari? Should I go read a book at that park or on some café around the mall? Should I go fix that shoes or should I cook an omelete? Should I watch this movie, or that movie? Each one of them have their own ‘ways’ to argue about one another. At the end, I often choose none of them, and do nothing. NOTHING

All those simple questions, can REALLY stressing me out. I can’t decide. It’s like I don’t want to suffer any disadvantage of the choice I don’t choose. It’s like if I choose making a hot tea, I don’t want to ‘lose’ the ‘joy’ if I make nutrisari, but I’ll answer it the same if I choose otherwise. Same like the arguing I have for the thought of my boyfriend, if I let him being close with any other girl he wants, I don’t want that coz I feel like he should be just being close with me, but then if I choose to keep worrying he would ‘play with deep feelings’ by giving him restrictions and stuff, I don’t want that coz I know I’ll lose him by treating him that way. For all other people, all of these arguments seems simple, seems obvious, seems very clear to answer & choose, or even too silly to be arguing about. But I can’t help it. Why is that?

This is not me. At least I know I shouldn’t. But why?

See…? even I can’t finish That argument. Wait up. I think I need to catch a breath.

It was only some months ago…

Diary – 13/11/2013

It was only some months ago until I finally realized that I have this disorder, although it was all from my own assumptions after looking around for information (thank you internet!) about these attitude, symptoms, or behavior which I’ve been pointlessly wondering “there’s something wrong about me, I mean, normal people won’t think or behave like this, right?”
It was a blur. And it’s still feels a blur now, as I write this. Since a year ago, or more, I can’t really feel myself again. “myself” in meaning “the version of me which I should be, which I already have years ago as a fully-confident woman, a cheerful girl, a career pursuing model for my friends, who really knows what she wants and what she needs, that determined girl”. Sadly, I miss that person. I miss myself.
Now, for me everything seems just like a blur, pointless life to live. I’ve quit my job, because I think I can’t concentrate anymore, or maybe that was just me reasoning that I actually prefer to sleep & do nothing. If I recall myself around 3 years ago, I will never decide to quit a job where I don’t have anywhere else to work with better salary & future. But now? I don’t care. I just feel like I want to have time for myself. Yes, myself, which I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, anytime I want, without have to struggle for the 5 days of work before I can do that. Suddenly money is not something that I would be very concerning about.
Sometimes I still wonder if that was a right decision. Was that me being manic, who decided that I should quit my job so I can do things I was positively sure I can make money from (I started a small internet marketing project, but it didn’t work out). Or, was that me being depressed, who decided that I can’t take another pressure of facing unfriendly coworkers and working environments and finally said to myself, “screw them! I don’t need them” (it was a job which some my friends would say as a ‘dream job’. Ha..too much for that.)
Some weeks ago I attended a gathering for people who have bipolar disorder, I went there with my mom & my boyfriend (at that time, he was my ex boyfriend. Yeah, we had many break-ups & make-ups). It was a knowledge-widening experience, also a realization moment for me, that I should stop rejecting this condition I ‘suffer’. Instead of referring it as a ‘suffering’, I learned to change it to a ‘having’ condition, that I accept this condition, and it’s not something that I should be suffering about.
The word ‘suffer’ is more likely suitable for the people who had been around me since the last 4 years. They’re the ones who had to face me, shed thousands of tears, spent tiring moments with hurt & sadness, dealing with me. But still, they’re still here, beside me, or just around the corner, always ready to hug me, nurture me, shake me again to wake me up, and.
And suddenly I don’t feel like I want to continue this. Because something is distracting me, into a bad mood. Later.

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