Yesterday I went to a national theme park..

Diary – 17/11/2013

Yesterday I went to a national theme park with my mom and my little nephew, Arya, he’s my brother’s oldest son. We had a really great time, exploring to three museums, museum of transportation, museum of national soldiers, & museum of science & technology. But after we got home, I catch severe cold and keep throwing out until my whole stomach empty, and it doesn’t stop there. I guess it’s been years since the last time I experienced the worst nausea & non-stop puking like that. Phew.. it’s tiring.

And now, I just tried to make a ‘quality’ conversation with my boyfriend. But even that, turned out that lots of my messages got lost in the connection, and he didn’t get them. Why is it so hard for me to try to connect with him. I’m trying to be friend with him. But even that, it’s like I don’t have the blessing to do that. Why me? If we’re not meant to be, then why ……

Why is it so hard… even when I try, it always looked like I’m pushing it. & if I’m not pushing it, there won’t be any conversation at all. Or is it really no interest to have a conversation at all? So, I should just let it go? No conversation, no connection, so I’ll just have to wait all the time?

even me with all the sadness I can feel, it’s all my own fault. It’s my fault that I choose to be sad. It’s my fault that I spent the whole night crying why can’t I just let it go? It’s my own fault that I ‘choose’ to feel this way. Well I’m sorry I don’t have a steel-made of heart. I cry when I feel like I’m crying. Then just leave me alone! Like you said, it’s my own fault, right?? It’s my own fault to behave like this. It’s my own fault to make you feel irritated by me. It’s my own fault to make our relationship gone waste. It’s all my fault. And you have no fault. Coz you’re always doing the right thing, think the good things, decide the good decisions, surround yourself with good people for your life. And I just made your life miserable, yes? You feel like you’ve been pushed around by me, right? I’m the bad guy, right? I’m the one who hurt your precious friends, right? I’m the one who ruined your life, isn’t that how you feel?

I never asked to be in this position, I never asked God to sent me a lying man who said that he’ll love me forever but instead he punched & kicked me, while I was pregnant, I never asked God for disappointments in life! I never asked God to set me in this deep hole of depression that I can never getting out! I never asked God to send me another person who I always need to beg for…. I never asked God to

I’m tired… what’s the point of all this…

Why can’t I forgive them , Father? Why can’t I let them go? Why can’t I just let them all go? Why can’t I be happy to see them all happy, even though they’re not with me? Why am I this greedy? Why are you making me this way? Why can’t I feel love? the love which my boyfriend say as ‘universal love’, the love that You say in your bible, the love that people are sharing. Why can’t I feel that, father? Why can’t I stop crying, father? Where are you… why didn’t you answer me, father? I’m lost…. I need you….


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