When most people..

Diary – 14/11/2013

When most people struggle everyday with their deadlines, traffic jams, endless housework, unfriendly people, just to survive another day, still end the day with another hope for tomorrow. As for me, I struggle to deal my own jealousy & paranoia. Even until this moment I write this, I can still suddenly feel ‘numb’ over something that I was so afraid of to becoming true, although the reality is actually far from that. Even though I’m able to write this (that means I’m aware that it really was far away from the reality) still, I get this choking nerves, panic and horrified by all those illusion or imagination I’ve made in my head (which I claimed this a couple years ago as an attitude of ‘always being prepared for the worst’).

Even yesterday when I wrote something out of my head, to help me release these…… circling conversations & arguments in my head, I then became ‘numb’ and all the appetite to write just poof! Gone! All those pressure, of stressing about something that was never get to talked about, never get to think the solution for it, never get to finally find a direction rather than just circling around, suddenly just gone away, without any answer, without even a single desire for me to rethink it again at the moment, really does feel like drowning, lost.

It’s like you’re in a deep dense forest, wanting to find a group of endangered koalas that you need to rescue, but you keep on arguing with your fellow rescuer about which way should you go or which tracks or clue should you follow, and none of you ‘help’ each other, but then suddenly a helicopter lift you both and take you somewhere else apart, which you don’t meet your fellow rescuer or need each other again, so the arguing is over, you do some other things. Then let’s say 2 days after that, you got lift up by a helicopter again, and placed at the same spot at the forest, meeting with that same fellow rescuer, and you still have a task at hand to rescue that group of koala. Still at the same spot, same condition, no progress, same stressful circling arguments, and those koalas still not saved yet. Get the picture?

Me & my fellow rescuer, they’re both in me, two or more different sides of minds or thoughts or ideas. Those circling arguments, the attitude they have to each other, is the way my mind thinks & talks & works in my head these days. And the group of koalas, it’s my…. Goal, my ‘inner peace’ (as in Kungfu Panda), my dream of when I finally can get myself into harmony again, no more self-arguing inside my head, no more me being silent and got drown in my own mind without any solution.

So… what exactly am I arguing about? Everything

Should I find another job as programmer or find something else? Should I stay at my independent-flat or back to home with mom? Should I really just let my boyfriend being close with lots of other women or should I keep worrying that he would ‘play with deep feelings’ one day? Should I make a hot tea or a nutrisari? Should I go read a book at that park or on some café around the mall? Should I go fix that shoes or should I cook an omelete? Should I watch this movie, or that movie? Each one of them have their own ‘ways’ to argue about one another. At the end, I often choose none of them, and do nothing. NOTHING

All those simple questions, can REALLY stressing me out. I can’t decide. It’s like I don’t want to suffer any disadvantage of the choice I don’t choose. It’s like if I choose making a hot tea, I don’t want to ‘lose’ the ‘joy’ if I make nutrisari, but I’ll answer it the same if I choose otherwise. Same like the arguing I have for the thought of my boyfriend, if I let him being close with any other girl he wants, I don’t want that coz I feel like he should be just being close with me, but then if I choose to keep worrying he would ‘play with deep feelings’ by giving him restrictions and stuff, I don’t want that coz I know I’ll lose him by treating him that way. For all other people, all of these arguments seems simple, seems obvious, seems very clear to answer & choose, or even too silly to be arguing about. But I can’t help it. Why is that?

This is not me. At least I know I shouldn’t. But why?

See…? even I can’t finish That argument. Wait up. I think I need to catch a breath.