It was only some months ago…

Diary – 13/11/2013

It was only some months ago until I finally realized that I have this disorder, although it was all from my own assumptions after looking around for information (thank you internet!) about these attitude, symptoms, or behavior which I’ve been pointlessly wondering “there’s something wrong about me, I mean, normal people won’t think or behave like this, right?”
It was a blur. And it’s still feels a blur now, as I write this. Since a year ago, or more, I can’t really feel myself again. “myself” in meaning “the version of me which I should be, which I already have years ago as a fully-confident woman, a cheerful girl, a career pursuing model for my friends, who really knows what she wants and what she needs, that determined girl”. Sadly, I miss that person. I miss myself.
Now, for me everything seems just like a blur, pointless life to live. I’ve quit my job, because I think I can’t concentrate anymore, or maybe that was just me reasoning that I actually prefer to sleep & do nothing. If I recall myself around 3 years ago, I will never decide to quit a job where I don’t have anywhere else to work with better salary & future. But now? I don’t care. I just feel like I want to have time for myself. Yes, myself, which I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, anytime I want, without have to struggle for the 5 days of work before I can do that. Suddenly money is not something that I would be very concerning about.
Sometimes I still wonder if that was a right decision. Was that me being manic, who decided that I should quit my job so I can do things I was positively sure I can make money from (I started a small internet marketing project, but it didn’t work out). Or, was that me being depressed, who decided that I can’t take another pressure of facing unfriendly coworkers and working environments and finally said to myself, “screw them! I don’t need them” (it was a job which some my friends would say as a ‘dream job’. Ha..too much for that.)
Some weeks ago I attended a gathering for people who have bipolar disorder, I went there with my mom & my boyfriend (at that time, he was my ex boyfriend. Yeah, we had many break-ups & make-ups). It was a knowledge-widening experience, also a realization moment for me, that I should stop rejecting this condition I ‘suffer’. Instead of referring it as a ‘suffering’, I learned to change it to a ‘having’ condition, that I accept this condition, and it’s not something that I should be suffering about.
The word ‘suffer’ is more likely suitable for the people who had been around me since the last 4 years. They’re the ones who had to face me, shed thousands of tears, spent tiring moments with hurt & sadness, dealing with me. But still, they’re still here, beside me, or just around the corner, always ready to hug me, nurture me, shake me again to wake me up, and.
And suddenly I don’t feel like I want to continue this. Because something is distracting me, into a bad mood. Later.

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