I don’t know how long has it been that I’ve been successfully made them believe that I am a strong person. I’ve made them believe that I can always stand back up after the hardships I’ve been through. They thought I’m a tough woman facing the terrible memories of my first marriage and losing my baby in the process. I guess I was the one who kept convincing myself that I am a tough one, & surrounds myself with some of the toughest people I’ve known in my life. I’ve made myself believe that I can take on any challenges life handed to me. I have survived all this time.
But the truth is, I’m not strong. All I want is to cry. I can’t deal with life anymore. I’m tired. I’m brokenhearted. Again and it gets worse and worse every time. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of struggling with life. What’s the point of all this? For myself? I’ve made myself believe that I am doing it all, trying to reach higher of everything in life, for myself, for my own happiness. Well, I’ve made it this far, and what it got me? I’m not happy. I feel so lonely. What am I working on for? What is the purpose of doing all this? Money? Expensive things? Faraway places? What for? If I will only ended up holding all the tears and screams inside? Tries to convince everyone that I am OK, that I am doing great with all this accomplishments? While the truth is that I’m just… lonely. While the truth is that I’m just gonna be alone. I’ve had enough with love, because of love, I got hurt, many times, because of love, I was being used, because of love, I was ruining someone’s life, as much as someone has ruined me, twice. I’ve had enough. Enough is enough. I’d rather just to die alone than continue to “try” with something called love.
Do they ever remember when did the last time I laughed out loud like how I used to? Do they aware that I am no longer able to laugh as loud and as much as I used to? like how my dad used to describe my laugh as “a super happy contagious laugh that no one can hold themselves from not joining the laugh” with me. Do they realize that I can no longer laugh like that again? But then again, who would care? Everyone else already have their own problems & headaches to deal with. Who do I think I am, that they would care enough to notice, they have their own problems, better not adding more with mine. …. right?
Most of the time I still can hold it in, put up this “strong” mask in my face and move on. But the more I realize these lately, what’s the point? I can’t hold up this tears anymore, all I want is to be alone, and just… sleep. And never wakes up again. So I can no longer have to face the reality that keeps on dragging me down into this bottomless dark hole. So I don’t have to be burden to anyone anymore. So I can’t hurt anyone anymore. So I won’t be brokenhearted anymore. At this point I can’t even think about heaven or hell. Maybe hell is much worse than this hole, but if it’s also filled with depression, despair, pain, hurt, fire, torments, then I don’t care anymore, what’s the difference? what’s the point to even care? What’s the point. I can’t feel anything. I don’t want anything. I don’t want to breathe anymore.
If only they would hear me, really hear me out, when I tell them I’m sad, I’m depressed, I’m screaming for help. Because I can’t pick myself up. Not now, not with how I am now. But still, they all think “But you’re just fine”, “it’s nothing”, “you’re OK, you just worry too much”, “it will go away in a few days”, “just be positive!” and.. when I finally really hit the rock bottom, they will say “what’s wrong with you?”, “what happened?”, “why are you like this?”
And all I can respond back is… “nothing” or “never mind, I’m OK”, or with silence. And they will believe that there is nothing wrong with me, or maybe I’m just having a bad mood. Or when I can’t answer them with a “reason” of why I’m feeling like this, then they will think that I’m actually just fine. Well I’m not.
I feel so lonely… I just want to hug my cats and just sleep forever.